The Youth of Today

I know I sound like mi dad but I have to say the youth of today really are the pits of the earth. Me, I reckon it’s all come about due to the arrival of Maccy D’s and the demise of youth clubs. Take any pretty rural area put a drive-thru Maccy’s there and before you know they are smashing up bus shelters. I mean whatever “zinger, dinger, winger minger” burger they may produce (complete with cuddly toy) they are never going to compete with the glory that is/was chips n’ scraps, chips n’ smacks, chips n’ curry sauce, chips n’ pey wet or if you were flushed chips, sausage and gravy – with a wooden fork naturally.

These were our regular scran after a night at the local youth club and that is where it’s all gone wrong. Now they hang outside Ali’s Pizzeria (“Home-made like momma used to make” – back in Tehran!) drinking White Lightening and shouting “Oi Slaphead” at me every time I walk past. Back then we were off the streets and enjoying the delights that the youth club could offer. They made me (and my generation) the man I am today (oh dear).

I MEAN YOUTH CLUBS WHERE WERE:
I had my first kiss
And my first feel up
My first proper fight
And my first 2 black eyes
My first taste of beer
And it was Manns Brown Ale
I had my first ciggie
And attempted to smoke dried banana skins
Discussed the width of our trousers
And the cut of our jib
Developed my love of black music (Little Piece of Leather – Donnie Elbert)
And my love of black culture
I experienced the adrenaline rush of running with a mob against the Catholic youth club
And the even bigger adrenaline rush of being chased by their mob
I developed the backspin at ping-pong
And learned to screw back on the pink
I learned the latest terrace chants
And “ those were the days my friend we took the Stretford End”
I spun and back-flipped and there was “A ghost in my house”
And watched Stuart “Radio 2’s Mr Northern Soul” Maconie replace Freda Payne with Led Zeppelin on the old Dansette!
I swapped girlfriends more than a vicar at a swinger’s soiree in Sydenham
And “treated them mean to keep them keen” (and that fucking worked, didn’t it?)
But most of all I learned about life
And how fucking good chips n’ gravy tasted on the way home.
That’s what the youth of today require.

I’d even offer to help run one if I didn’t despise the little twats so much.